I was just about to do something, but then I changed my mind.
The other day, in the full upheaval of ideas of things I’ll post on the x-pose, frantically pinning Google Notes and iStickers, I started digging up some old stuff.
I didn’t realize what it was, at first. I didn’t realize it at all.
And it wasn’t until Monday late afternoon, after I had been sweating for two days on translating and re-editing an article I had written in 2016, that it dawned on me: a defense strategy.
Intimidated by the shimmering new ideas sprouting like psychedelic mushrooms at a staggering rate, my mind seeked for shelter in the old safe bet.
Stuff that I thought was very bold, when I first wrote it. And it was!
But that’s not the reason why I wanted to re-publish it. It was because someone had made some positive remarks about it.
And so I thought – as the article was full of controversy – that it would fit perfectly in this context. (While it was a bit out of place in the website where I originally posted it).
It turns out, as I was about to complete my first revision, after a 3 hours labour I had almost skipped lunch to do, that it was not controversial: it was just bad vibes.
Pearls of sweat suddently covered my forehead, as at the brink of food poisoning.
So much negativity.
Oh my God, I couldn’t believe I was messed up like that. That dive into the past brought me down to deep depression for the next day and a half, and I am just about beginning to shake it off my shoulders.
I mean, I’m still messed up, but at least I know it. I don’t try to pretend I have the solution!
Ad it’s such a relief to admit to yourself how messed up you are.