I couldn’t sleep

I couldn’t stop thinking about my ugly feet

I had my first ugly toe after the accident, in 1992

Before the surgery, they gave me epidural anesthesia, and afterwards I got plastered from the left hip down to my toes.

When I regained my sensitivity, I felt that something was wrong with my left foot. It wouldn’t stop itching and burning even after hours. So they removed the plaster and I saw my big toe nail had turned black.

Either the plaster had compressed the sciatic nerve, or it had been damaged by epidural injection.

I didn’t even feel sorry for myself or that I was in the position to do anything. I was feeling too guilty and I just thought that black toe was the least I deserved.

I thought it would heal sooner or later anyway.

But it didn’t. My foot’s sensitivity came back in a few months, but the toenail remained black.

A medical consultation confirmed I now have fungal infection, but all the methods I’ve tried so far to heal it have produced the opposite effect: the infection spread to two more toes.

In the afternoon, as I was leaving the new studio I’m about to start working for, my eyes fell on a yoga magazine at the top of a pile, on a coffee table in the lounge.

It titled Honor your Feet, and it featured the very owner of the studio with her pretty little toes, presenting a feet worship practice.

At five thirty in the morning, in my sleepless restlessness, I was feeling dirty, unworthy.

My infected toe’s knuckle has started aching recently, and I got paranoid about having foot cancer like the one that killed Bob Marley.

I dove into my Ultra Positive Meditation, which I descovered last summer and works miracles. And suddenly the previous day’s group therapy session appeared like in a vision.

They came back to me. The people.

I hadn’t felt particularly well after the session. The discussion had been confused like we were ‘lost in a hank’ as Dr. Moyola pointed out.

But it felt differently now.

‘I almost sense some form of affection here’ remarked the Most Beautiful Doctor in the World towards the end.

And that’s what it was: affection.

I started feeling the sweetest love for all those losers. An actual interest in their issues, all the troubles they’re going through.

Maybe they can help me.

Maybe this feeling and caring for each other is really all we all need.

Suddenly, I did not care about my own toes anymore. The wonderful human beings in that group were the toes I had to take care of.

I wished all of them love, serenity of mind, the power to overcome, and to my beloved child and to my awesome wife, and to all of you, and I sank into sleep.